Basically, I Don’t Feel Well

I haven’t updated you in a while, which I’m sure you realize means that I haven’t felt well.  This update isn’t going to be full of giggles and sunshine or of any great length because I just don’t have the energy to muster up a whole lot of anything.

Here’s how I feel: low energy, back pain, nausea, fatigue, vomiting, weight loss and bizarre things/colors coming out my back end that leads my doctors to believe I have internal bleeding…again.  The most basic of tasks feel daunting.  Last night, I was in bed and needed to plug up my computer, go downstairs to take my medication, wash my face, brush my teeth and go to bed.  I had to give myself a serious pep talk to get these things done and just kept reminding myself, “one thing at a time.”  Can you imagine how frustrating it is to know you are struggling with the most basic of tasks?!  Fortunately, I was able to see my local oncologist today, and we set up a plan to help me feel better.  My hemoglobin is super low, so I’m going to start 2 more rounds of iron infusions next week with the hopes that some of my energy will improve.  I’m scheduled for an endoscopy on Monday because they are concerned I may have some bleeding in the top half of my digestive track.

I’m also freezing all the time, which is I’m sure because I’ve lost so much weight.  I’m trying to eat, but when I’m vomiting or feeling nauseous the last thing I’m interested in doing is chowing down on a bunch of food. Throw up in a few unpleasant locations, and you get a little hesitant to eat when your stomach is sensitive.  I know that I need to try and slow down and do a little less, but I just don’t know how to really do that.  We just had the most important two weeks of our cheerleading season, where we joyously WON the State Championship, but this means there are a lot of fun events and added items to the “to do” list…I’m NOT complaining- trust me- I am a happy camper to finally bring home another State title…it’s just an example of my busy situation.  Fischer just had his 7^thbirthday, which meant birthday parties, ordering decorations, party favors, balloons and cookie cakes!  Now, Baker is about to celebrate his 4^thbirthday, so there are gifts to be purchased, bounce house to be ordered, etc. Then there are just the day-to-day life activities of Ninja meets and practice, gymnastics, and getting boys to school.  Poor Mike gets the short end of the stick and has to pick up my slack and hardly gets any of my attention, which he graciously handles and does not complain for one second.

So, I leave you with this…yes, I am struggling right now, so bring on the positive energy and the prayers. I know there are so many people that are willing to help me and my family, but I have a hard time asking for help and truthfully, I don’t feel comfortable with taking help from many people. It doesn’t matter what you offer, I’m just not going to take many people up on much.  I have a few close members of my “tribe” that I am learning to ask for help, and maybe one day I’ll be more comfortable to reach out beyond my tribe…I’m just not there yet.  Bring on the prayers!  Bring on the positive energy!  I know I’ll get through this- I’m just currently struggling.  The truth ain’t always pretty.