I was very hesitant to go on short term disability, but eventually Mike and I decided it was the best thing for me personally. As the time got closer to when I was supposed to go back (instead of short term) I realized I was not ready to come back. I’m not functioning normally. I’m kinda dumb these days. Seriously. I’m not joking. What’s even scarier is that I asked my electrophysiologist about this wondering if it was a possible side effect from the medicines I’m on or a side effect from cardiac arrest…he basically said (the nicest way possible), “umm…I haven’t had anyone complain of that before.” Great! Just great! I’m losing my intelligence! I haven’t even paid off all of my student loans from my 3 degrees, and I’ve already lost my brains. Maybe I can find some loophole and get some loan forgiveness out of this nonsense! It is a very bizarre feeling. I feel like someone will ask me something and instead of my brain going through a rolodex of files in my head to find the correct file with the correct info, my mind is just a big ole blank space. Blank. Nada. Empty. Sometimes it will finally come to me, sometimes it won’t. Sometimes I’ll have the exact same conversation with friends that I had 10 minutes earlier with them, and I am CLUELESS! And when they tell me, “Ashley, we just discussed this,” I’m like, “We did? Really? Seriously?” ‘Cause I got nothing! Several of my friends are reading this right now laughing because it’s happening with them…a lot. Thank God they love me!
Are my brains going to come back?! Mike thinks I’m probably concussed from the fall, and he also throws me a bone and says I probably have chemo brain. Either way, this is no bueno. I do not like being slow on the uptake. I need to be sharp again! I recently feel like I have a part time job going to doctor’s appointments. This week alone I’ve had 3…and it’s only Wednesday! Fortunately, I’ve had several doctors tell me not to stress and that there could be several reasons causing this: cardiac arrest (my heart did stop and I didn’t have a pulse for a bit, so that could cause a bit of stress on my brain), new meds (one causes confusion, tremors and light headedness), and chemo (well, because chemo just plain sucks). The best news I heard was that it should come back to me and not to stress! All I can think is thank goodness I’m not working right now- how long would it take me to grade papers or come up with a lesson plan with half my brain missing?!
So, all of that being said, I am VERY thankful that I’m taking short term. I can’t imagine if a student asked me a question right now, and I just stare at their face awkwardly. I’ve got a few weeks to get my act together…y’all what if I don’t get my smarts back?! Yikes!! No. No. That can’t happen. Nope. I won’t let it. I’m going to put down this blog and open up my crossword puzzles, bust out some Sudoku and then find some brain teasers.